


Sparktober Ficlets

by spiffyname



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Attempt at Humor, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 19:02:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21166490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiffyname/pseuds/spiffyname
Summary: 1) Stage Fright - Elizabeth has an unusual request...2) Safety First - Preparing Elizabeth for a trip off-world.3) Prompt: Cupcake4) Prompt: Robot5) One sentence ficlets.





	1. Stage Fright

**Author's Note:**

> Ficlets and Word Prompts that were originally posted on LJ roughly a million years ago. Un-beta'd, so all mistakes are mine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth has an unusual request.

"You wanted to see me?" John greeted as he entered Elizabeth's office. She looked up from her tablet and nodded.

"Yes, thank you. Here," she said, taking an object from the side of her desk and placing it in front of him.

"Um... thanks. I always wanted a small clear empty container... thing," he told her, looking suspiciously at the container as he picked it up.

"I need you to fill that up as much as you can, please," her tone held the practiced patience he had tested time and time again.

"... Fill it up?" he asked.

"Yes, John. Didn't you get the memo?" She asked him, putting down her tablet.

"Memo?" John repeated. Elizabeth sighed.

"Yes John, the memo. The SGC... would like samples of our DNA," Elizabeth told him, organizing some files. She wasn't looking at him, and there was a faint blush on her cheeks.

"Don't they already have some?" he asked, putting the cup down.

"They would like more recent samples. John, just fill the cup," Elizabeth told him, shooting him a professionally stern look.

"They want us to send back urine samples? What, they think we're doing drugs or something?" John questioned, planting himself on the corner of her desk. One of these days he was going to wear a spot on it, marking his place.

Elizabeth went back to arranging papers. "They're not asking for urine samples." John's suspicion returned with full force and he stood up quickly.

"What are they asking for then?" His fight or flight instincts were kicking in and alarms were going off in his head for some reason.

Elizabeth licked her lips nervously and forced herself to look at him. "They want your sperm."

"They can't have it!" he shot back immediately. She looked confused.

"What?"

"Uh... I don't know. It seemed like a good answer at the time?" He shook his head as if to clear this thoughts, "Why do they want my..."

"Just in case. Look, just fill the cup and we don't have to talk about this anymore, okay?" she said. She did look kind of embarrassed.

"I can't," he replied seriously, taking a seat in the chair.

"You... can't?" she asked, unsure if he was serious or not. He sighed, knowing he would have to explain himself.

"Look, I get... I get stage fright okay? The whole 'disobeys orders' is kind of... its like a whole body experience thing, okay? You can't tell me to pee in a cup 'cause then my body disobeys. This is kind of the same thing..." He felt his face get warm, since, yes he actually did say all that to her.

She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it seconds later. She looked at him - really looked at him - almost as if that would help her find an answer to this problem.

"Is there... any way to -" she started but stopped when he shook his head.

"No, not really," he said with a sigh.

"Maybe you should go see Heightmeyer," Elizabeth suggested with a thoughtful frown. John got defensive.

"Why? Just because I can't jerk-off in a cup? There's nothing wrong with me. I just get stage fright, okay?" he snapped. He was a little hurt that she would even suggest it.

"I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you, John, but maybe she'll have a few ideas that will... calm you down or something..." Elizabeth told him sincerely.

"I don't want her around while I'm trying to get it on with a cup," John grumbled. Elizabeth's lips twitched, even though they were both embarrassed they were even having this conversation.

"She won't be _there_ there if that makes you feel any better," Elizabeth offered. John threw her an unimpressed look.

"It doesn't," he replied. She gave him a shrug that seemed to say 'hey, I'm trying!'.

"Sometimes, when I'm nervous, I try to visualize somewhere relaxing. Being on a beach somewhere maybe, or even thinking of a bubble bath and a glass of wine helps sometimes..." she tried again.

"I think in my case, being relaxed won't help. I think I have to go with a different emotion there, 'Lizbeth," he told her. "Hey," he said suddenly, an idea forming in his mind along with a sly grin on his lips, "when you're on this beach of yours... are you in a bikini?" He asked, waggling his eyebrows at her.

She rolled her eyes at him, and he knew that she was beginning to regret trying to help him. His grin turned into a smirk. "Oh... so, nude beach then?" John asked, and he'd never seen Elizabeth's eyes get so wide before. Before she could say anything, he grabbed the plastic cup and vacated his seat. "Hey, thanks for your help, Lizbeth! I know exactly what I'm going to visualize now!"

Elizabeth was left in her office, mouth agape, wondering if she should be disturbed or flattered.

~fin


	2. Safety First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth prepares to go off-world, with John's help.

"Just keep your eyes open. For anything and everything, okay? If you feel like someone's watching you, tell Lorne. He'll know what to do," John tells Elizabeth as he checks the security of her vest for the third time.

The Gateroom is filled with the buzz of excitement that only comes from a team getting ready to go off-world. Today is even more special though, as it is a rare occasion that Elizabeth gets to go as well.

"Yes John," Elizabeth says with a smile and a small nod, trying to look solemn.

"I'm serious. Just... Just be careful, okay? Look, maybe I should go too, just in case--"

"Or you could stay here and take care of the city. _And_ finish your paperwork," she replies as he adjusts and readjusts a couple of straps.

"Lizbeth, I think maybe your safety is a little more important than some paperwork," he looks her straight in the eye as he says this, to show how serious it is to him. 

"John, I'm just going to translate some ruins. I've got Lorne's _team_ with me, like you requested, instead of the _one_ armed escort that I would like to take. I'll be fine. Really," she sounds both a little bit exasperated and amused. He finishes with her vest and pouts for a minute.

"Okay, fine. But wait. Here, take my side arm, just in case," he takes it out of its holster and holds it out to her. She gives him a look with a raised eyebrow, and he concedes, putting it away. Then, "How about Ronon? You should take Ronon."

"John, if I'm not taking your side arm, I'm definitely not taking Ronon. He's much more dangerous. I'll be _fine_," she tells him, shaking her head. 

He frowns at her again, and she replies with an eye roll and an amused smile. "Dial the gate, please," she tells Chuck, her words laced with laughter she's trying to suppress.

John checks her vest once more before she swats his hands away and walks over to talk with Teyla (most likely to make fun of John's over-protective behaviour). John goes up to Lorne to go over safety precautions and off-world procedures. 

"Make sure she's never left alone. Ever," he orders the Major, in serious Colonel mode. 

"Yes sir," Lorne replies, checking his vest for an extra power bar. He hates getting hungry on weird planets where he doesn't know what the local food is like. 

"Secure the perimeter before she gets settled, because once she gets started she won't want to stop," John tells Evan, glancing over at Elizabeth and Teyla, who are looking over in his direction, smiling and nodding.

"Yes sir," Lorne answers again, making sure he has his good luck charm. He resists the shudder that comes along with the memory of that one time he was caught on a planet with Cadman and Zelenka without it. And what he saw. He sends a quick thank you to whatever deity might be listening for Teyla and her many skills and how she puts them to good use to make him forget that horrible, horrible day.

"And keep checking the life signs detector just in case. You never know when someone can ambush you," John says, turning back to Evan, who is double checking the safety of his side-arm. He doesn't want to end up like Gurton who accidentally shot his foot that one time that no one - not even Rodney who wasn't even there that day - lets him forget.

"I understand sir," Evan says, finally looking at John.

"Lorne," John's voice is low and full of warning. 

"Sir?"

"If anything happens to her-"

"I understand sir-"

"I don't think you do. If anything, and I mean _anything_, happens to her, you and your whole team will be demoted and sent home immediately."

A pause.

"After I shoot you," John finishes, and starts to walk away.

Lorne knows why Sheppard is being so protective, and decides to poke fun at the Colonel a bit. "Oh, don't you worry sir. I'll be watching her back _very_ closely. I always do," he says with a smirk. 

It takes John a second to understand what the Major is really saying, and whips his head around to glare, but the other man is already at Elizabeth's side, saying something to make her and Teyla laugh. He turns his head to see John and gives him a smirk. 

After getting the go ahead from Chuck, Elizabeth and Evan walk towards the gate after Lorne's team. But before she disappears, she turns to give John a little wave and a bright smile. He's still a little frowny, but can't help to sort of smile back, seeing how happy and excited she is.

"Elizabeth." She pauses. "Be safe."

She smiles at him again and goes through the gate with Lorne at her side and his hand on the small of her back. John rethinks her off-world escort for next time. If there is a next time. Ronon stands next to John, seeing him frown so intently at the gate, and gives him a look that says he knows exactly what John is thinking and why.

"What?"

"Nothin'," Ronon says with a smirk and a careless shrug..

"Don't you have something to do?" John asks, a little peeved that everyone finds this so amusing. Elizabeth's safety is not funny. Nor is his reaction to it.

"Don't you?"

"...Shut up." 

~End


	3. Prompt: Cupcake

They're stuck on the Daedalus when his birthday rolls around and she's unprepared for it.

She snags the last cupcake in the mess, and since most of the people on board are her new recruits, they don't say anything. They don't know what she's like and no one wants to piss off their new boss before the job even starts.

She then sweet talks one of the marines on the Daedalus into lending her the birthday candles that are used with Authorization Only (no one likes fire on a spaceship, and the last one was a doozy) without actual "Authorization" - but since she is technically the boss in Atlantis, what can it hurt?

She beams at his surprise when she catches him off-guard 5 minutes before his birthday is technically over (they're in the Pegasus Galaxy by this point, but neither of them actually got off Atlantis Time).

He frowns slightly at all the candles, but she just gives him a shrug.

"It was a last minute thing," she says as an explanation. Satisfied with the answer, he blows out the candles with flourish, and looks around the table quickly. At her raised brow he smiles sheepishly.

"No present?"

The question catches her off-guard again (and dammit, it shouldn't) but she was so frantic about getting him a (cup)cake that she forgot about getting him an actual present. He chuckles at her, and she pouts for a second before that sly grin he's learned to be wary of appears on her lips, and before he knows it she's grabbing his face and planting a kiss right on his mouth. It's over before he can react (or think, or anything) and she smirks at his bewildered look.

"You can have one 'get out of jail free' cards. You can use it to get you off the hook when you land into trouble with me. Or," she states as an afterthought, "use it to drag me off somewhere of your choosing on any given day."

He cocks his head to the side. "How is _my_ birthday present taking _you_ on a date?"

She just gives him a smug look, to which he just grins back and takes a bite of his cupcake.

~fin


	4. Prompt: Robot

"A robot...?" Elizabeth asked, looking between her Military Commander and her Lead Scientist.

"Well, not so much a robot as a-"

"Yes. A robot," John said, interrupting Rodney. Rodney pouted slightly.

"...why?" She asked, clearly confused. She had an idea though.

"Elizabeth! It could be a vital tool used in a fight against the Wraith!" Rodney exclaimed, waving his arm that wasn't holding his tablet about.

"You just want to build one because you think it's cool," she stated. It wasn't a question and they all knew it.

"That too," John conceded, knowing it was useless to argue.

"Do we even have the necessary instruments and materials needed to... build this... robot?" She asked, and both men's eyes lit up.

"So, that's a yes then?" John asked hopefully, giving her a charming smile. It was low key, but Elizabeth guessed he was saving his best one for when he tried to convince her later.

"No, it's a question," she said with patience, but they were given an eyebrow lift with a warning look.

"Lizabeth, this is the City of the Ancients! They built the Gate! They have loads of equipment Earth can only dream about! I'm sure that they have the 'materials needed' to build my robot. _The_ robot! Not _mine_. Ours. The City's," Rodney rambled, trying to cover up. 

Elizabeth resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I don't want to have an army of robots that could turn on us at any time, Rodney. We don't need those kinds of problems, especially not now."

"You've been watching too many horror movies," Rodney mumbled, and that deserved 'the Look' from her. "Sorry. You know what I mean."

"You know, the schematics that you have could be the blueprints of the Asurans," Elizabeth said after a moment.

Rodney shook his head. "No. I've been over the schematics a million times or more. There are similarities, but mostly differences. I think these might be what the Asurans could have been had the Ancients wanted something more basic. These robots aren't nearly as complex as the Asurans," Rodney told her. When he first stumbled upon the schematics, he had almost gotten rid of them right away, for fear that some lowly scientist would try and prove their worth by trying to make the Asuran design work, but thankfully he looked closer. These were probably one of the first drafts the Ancients came up with before getting into the complexities that would eventually become the Asurans.

Elizabeth was silent for a few moments. "Let me think about it," she told them. Both men nodded, and Rodney went off to finish some other projects in his lab. John stayed behind and followed Elizabeth into her office.

"Rodney thinks it's viable," he said, going for casual. She gave him the 'I know what you're doing' look, and sat down at her desk.

"Rodney thinks a lot of things are viable just because he's brilliant," Elizabeth replied, organizing the files on her desk. John could see her mouth the words 'high priority', 'low priority', and sometimes even a 'what the hell is this' as she sorted. 

"I'm inclined to believe him when he says it's not the Asurans," he told her quietly after a few minutes, planting himself on his corner of her desk. She looked up at him and seemed to weigh his words. Before she could say anything, he continued, "Do you know how guilty he felt after..." he trailed off. As much as he tried not to think about it, the sight of Elizabeth being choked by Niam still showed up in his nightmares from time to time.

"Yes, I know. He was very... attentive for two full weeks before I told him to stop," she said. Rodney had pretty much followed her around asking if she needed help with anything; given her a full week's stash of chocolate; delivered lunches to her and brought her a trinket every time he went off-world whether it was a small bouquet of wild flowers or something cultural he thought she might find interesting. She was touched at first, but he was a little overbearing at times.

She had actually found it rather funny (not in the _ha-ha_ way, in the _gee, that's weird_ way) that two men in her life had tried to kill her via strangulation in the three years she had been in the Pegasus Galaxy. Well, Niam _could_ have been in her life. He was so eager, so young... but evil. That put a damper on his personality. Not that it was his fault of course. Evil programming was not something one could get over easily. But still, there was no way they could be friends, not after he tried to kill her twice. She wasn't sure if the second time counted, as it wasn't really him, just the nanites he infected her with. She'd have to look that up somehow.

"Hey," John's voice broke through her train of thought, and she looked up at him again to see him watching her intently.

"Hi," she responded. She didn't really know quite what to say when he looked at her like that - a mix of concern and... something else she wasn't sure she could (or wanted) to name.

He smiled softly at her, and her heart fluttered a bit. Damn her body for always reacting to him even though she didn't want to.

"You hungry?" He asked hopefully, with his charming smile. He'd managed to talk her into a million things over meals they shared. He was going for a million and one.

She smiled. "You know, one of these days that's not going to work," she told him, and he had to think for a minute before his brain caught up with hers, and smirked.

"Yeah, but by then, you'll hopefully be sleeping with me, so I won't have to use food to persuade you. Just sex."

"Well, until then, you'll just have to bribe and woo me instead, " she told him, sliding her chair back and standing up.

"Sex would be funner," he told her as they walked towards the mess hall. The control room echoed with her laughter, and all the technicians rolled their eyes at the blatancy of their leaders.

~End


	5. Word Prompts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One sentence ficlets for a bunch of random word prompts!

_"Christ John"_  
Elizabeth said with a start as he pulled her into an abandoned room - she didn't get to say much after that.

_Arrow_  
He was staring right at her when the arrow pierced his chest, but she had no time to mourn him - she had to save the city first.

_Eyes_  
As Atlantis fell around them they shared a look from across the room full of things unsaid as their last good-bye.

_Mittens_  
On what had been dubbed "The Ice Planet" John took her hand in his; when she gave him a curious look he merely shrugged and told her he had forgotten his mittens at home.

_Coffee_  
Everyone suspected they started sleeping together after catching them in the mess hall sharing a cup of coffee over paperwork.

_Beans_  
On her birthday, they spent the day in the infirmary - he forgot she was allergic to the Minarean Beans when he made her chili for dinner the night before.

_Blanket_  
"You're a blanket hog!" she accused him, tugging on the sheet; he smirked and told her she spoke different languages in her sleep.

_Uncle_  
"Okay! Okay, Uncle!" she shrieked as he tickled her mercilessly; people who passed by the rec room didn't even bat an eye as their leaders rolled around on the floor.

_Dead_  
"I'm dead meat," John told Rodney after he accidentally sent what was supposed to be a private email for Elizabeth to the whole city.

_Whine_  
"Elizabeeeeeeeeeeeeth," John whined as she crawled out of their warm bed (and more importantly, his arms) to answer her comm on the other side of the room.

_Cat_  
"So what you're saying is, the only reason you're with me is because I prefer dogs over cats?" John asked Elizabeth incredulously; she shrugged and pulled him into a kiss that made him forget the conversation entirely.

_DVD_  
Somehow Rodney (convinced by John) managed to get every single monitor in the city hooked up to the Rec Room (which no one could mysteriously get into) and re-play a badly dubbed version of Hamlet over and over again until she succumbed; she stormed out of her office and shouted “Fine! We’ll go on a date!” – a few seconds after that, the screens returned to normal.


End file.
